I'm not sure what to think. There has only been one other time in my life where I felt this alone in a journey. Where family and friends should be rallying by my side, I see no one. Where are they? I just want to throw all those relationships to the wind and watch them flail as they fall to the ground. Because, that is what they have done to me. As some of you may know, I do not have a relationship with my side of the family and SD's side is maintained only for his and my children's sake. They were not very welcoming in the beginning, especially by his brother and father. Not sure why. The first time I met them they had already made up their minds that they were not too thrilled about me. Anyways, that's another story.
So, basically, SD's parents are our only "family" outside of us. My friends from high school and college were not the friends you keep with a family and children. I said my goodbyes to them and that life before I got married. I have been out of teaching for 5 years,those were more of work related friendships. I thought when Boo, my daughter, was born I would move into the "Mom Friendships" and I did. That lasted until Gabe was 1 years old. It was difficult for me to leave the house when he started walking everywhere and sucking on everything. When Gabe was finally diagnosed, I thought I could catch a breath, because we could do therapy until he was "better" and I could return to my life. But, that life is long gone. New friendships have developed and are blooming and growing into wonderful connections and support, most being online, some at Gabe's school. I found that these friendships are all with parents who have children diagnosed with ASD. We spend many conversations focused on IEPs, therapies and the uniqueness of each of our children that I know their children well, but not a thing about them. I spend a lot of time alone. Alone in my thoughts wondering what happened to me? Where is my support? What the hell happened?
We did get the funding for another semester by SD's parents.
hooray
My hooray is so small, because my husband was grilled concerning our choices about Gabe's education. The same conversation that he always has with them. I hate asking for help, especially with money. (Just a quick reminder that they asked if we needed help financially. I should've realized there would be a double edged sword. ) Parts of the conversation focus on our "unwillingness" to let go of the ABA therapy, because of our fears, that we didn't really think things through and how they thought we may have created the situation at the IEP by having a consultant, which at the meeting must have caused the "unpleasant atmosphere". On and on it went until SD just couldn't think of the right answers anymore and they walked all over him. They made us wait three days to see if they could cover another semester at Gabe's school.
They would "Let us know.."
This is from people that buy $600.00 sweaters.
Now, I know some of you are thinking,
"Well, that's a lot of money for anyone." (Poor grandparents. Bleh)
My response, "Not if it's your grandchild. Not if he is one of the only two you will ever have guaranteed." "Not if you go on lavish trips every other month."
If trips, material things and status rule your world over family, then you have missed what life is all about.
I feel like my lips are tender and my pride of being a good mother has been stepped all over and discarded with the trash. Only then to have my one true support, my husband, start to waiver and blow back and forth with the wind after hearing my father in laws comments.
I'm exhausted. And I'm alone.
I spend endless hours researching, talking with parents, consulting professionals only to be treated by IEP teams and in-laws as if I had been sitting on the couch watching "The View" through everything. I matter dammit! What I do matters. Who I am matters. My son matters.
Maybe this is yet another lesson that Gabe has taught me.
