What Direction Do You Go In?

I feel like a blogging fool! I just want to write and write all the time. I have some time on the weekends, because they are slow at our house.(I usually write at night.) Each member of our family is very busy during the week and SD and Gabe look forward to lounging for a day or two. Boo and I don't lounge well, I'm kinda hyper I guess and Boo is a true socialite. Right now,Gabe's supposed to be napping, he's playing in his room, Boo's taking digital pictures around the house and SD is about to have some pizza for lunch. All different directions we go.

Yesterday I felt all out of whack, because I had only left the house for 1 hour to go shopping with the whole family. I like going with everyone, because it gets overwhelming for me (heavy cart, Boo and the bathroom, etc.) I could never spend an entire day at home. I would go mad liked a trapped animal. I also get really out of whack when everything is askew in the house. Laundry not sorted in the basement, toys all over the toy room, beds not made, family not showered, I feel the room start to spin, my nerves dance in my skin and a shrill scream is painfully being held back in my throat. So, when Gabe started lining up cars, animals and other objects this month I first went *GASP* then....*ahhhh*. The gasp was due to the belief that Gabe just didn't meet that criteria for Autism. The ahhh was the relief that he has found a way to settle his angst. Like I have mine.

Yesterday, I thought about the idea that parents that have ASD children have to look at them from an outsider's perspective, because they themselves do not truly understand what it means to be Autistic. I beg to differ in certain circumstances. Any parent can see in their children obvious traits that they clearly "inherited", maybe a shy disposition, creative thinker,social butterfly, etc. If you see yourself in your child, there exists a door to them that can be opened which enables you to be more than just sympathetic to their needs. You already have acquired the tools, because you have the trait also. When Gabe started lining up his toys, after the first reaction of "Oh no", I glanced around the house looking at all the objects that take up space. The furniture that is aligned with the wall, trinkets exactly placed around the room, nothing out of it's spot, everything in its place. I'm not a maniac about it, my children have never seen a wire hanger, but I do feel uneasy about disorder. I'd like to believe that my sense of order, being overly prepared (You would not believe how big my first diaper bag was), and need to have everything in its place has in some way made it possible to align myself better with my son's needs. Hopefully his sense of order will be manageable, like mine is. I hope that it does not control his life, because in the blink of an eye, it can envelop you.

It is all too ironic that I married my husband. He does not have a sense of order. His philosophy is "If I left it there (Where ever that maybe) it still should be there." That's it. When we were dating I noticed when I picked him up at his apartment, that the same loaf of bread, peanut butter jar, and honey container were always resting on his coffee table. Always! How unsettling!
"Do you ever put those away? " I questioned him, pointing to the table.
He responded. "Why should I?"
Laughing a little uneasily, "Because it doesn't go there."
"I'm just going to have to take them out again. Why bother with all the extra steps?" he retorted.
He had a point, but it still bothered me.I would've put it away just to give myself a false sense that the universe was still in order, but his entire apartment suffered from..and there it lies. SD balances me. I probably would've been in debt to The Organizer Store if I hadn't met him or working there to get my "fix". I wonder if Gabe will find his someone that will balance him.

Here are other examples that I could give that I believe Gabe may have inherited from my husband and I, uneasy eye contact (Me), anxiety in one on one social interactions(Me), "not understanding people" (Me), Anxiety in large social groups (SD), not fitting in when growing up(Me and SD), preferring to play one on one(SD). SD and I are mildly affected by those things, but I think it gives us more than an outsiders view of what Gabe is about. I hope. Each day that he grows older, the more we see how Autism is part of Gabe.

It reminds me of a present you receive that is a big box wrapped in beautiful paper. You tear at the paper, open the huge box, only to find another box, then another, than another, then another, until you see the most exquisite little box where your true gift lies. I can't wait until I will finally see the whole gift that is Gabe.

Photograpy by BOO