Wiping the sweat from my brow

I wanted to post a picture for this, but just could'nt think of one that could portray the angst I dealt with today. Yesterday was Boo's first day at preschool/daycare. I had to enroll her in a different program, starting this year, due to Gabe going to a program for ABA (5 days a week, 3 hours a day, 12 weeks)and my training to continue it after it has finished. All her friends, and mine, remain in the previous preschool. What's funny, is that I am having a harder time with the transition than she is. I do not know the kids or any of parents. I wonder what she is "learning" and how she is truly managing. She does'nt seem to be playing with anyone when I pick her up. If she is by some kids, that's just it, she's just sitting BY them. Boo is very outgoing and extremely likeable. My heart sinks and my throat begins to hurt. I am trying so hard not to cry. I stayed at home and gave up my career to be with BOTH of my kids and now here is one in a preschool/daycare. I think daycare can lend ityself to being very benificial in the development of a child, but I really miss being part of her preschool years. My husband will be going on all of her field trips with her until December. Those are my favorite times, the apple orchard, Fire station, all those cool experiences.

To top things off, Gabe has really made the dropping off and picking up of Boo almost unbearable. It is so difficult, because of four major factors. #1-We have to walk past the playground to get to her room. #2 Her room has a door that goes directly to the playground #3 We pick Siena up when she is outside on recess #4 Gabe is REALLY ready for a nap when we pick her up. I can't change times due to his nap and when we would be returning from his program. If I did, she would have to be picked up after his nap, which adds an additional 3 hours onto Siena's time in daycare/preschool,more $$$ and less time with Boo.

So, this is what we tried today (We have 5 days until we start the ABA school). I let Gabe play a lot oustide on the swing set and he played for about 10 minutes at the playground when we picked her up. Most of the four year olds are great with letting Gabe play along, but he is two and a bit clueless when it comes to play etiquette, so the welcomed invitation quickly expires. That's when I give the last bit of countdown and try to herd him inside. I end up throwing him over my shoulder kicking and screaming, while my daughter is complaining about how tired and thirsty she is. She is also filthy and has rocks stored any place in her clothes that she can manage. (Those are always fun to pick up around the house.) Boo has spent the last two days playing in the dirt on recess. I should not have gotten those cute outfits at Gymboree. If I knew it would've been jeans and vacation tees!
So, I get him inside and he starts walking on all of the sleeping cots that the kids are about to sleep on. Boo can not seem to muster the strength to get her backpack (on wheels!!!) and I feel like ending it all in the play kitchen area with a plastic knife.

I grab Gabe, screaming again, and hand the rolling backpack to my weary daughter and practically run to the car. Gabe is stretching out his arms against my chest and kicking my pants down my waist. (He weighs a solid 36 lbs.) (God help me...God help me...) Now, if that all sounds rough......This is the kicker. Gabe no longer wants to peacefully get in his car seat and he has the power to stop me. I did get "The Look" from a passing parent today. "No I am not hurting my child...Thanks for your concern," look back from me. I can not get him to fold in the middle! He will not put his butt down! It is as if he has become some piece of treated lumber from Home Depot! How am I going to get home??? Bend Gabe bend! Sweet Jesus!!! BEND!!!!!!!!!!!!That's when I took a deep breath and started to laugh. I thought if this is what I am going to have to deal with, I will have to really find that hidden strength in me. I know deep down that this maybe just a glimpse of what is soon to come. We all know that our children on the spectrum change and grow just like other children, but ours have many more obstacles to overcome in areas of behavior and understanding themselves and the world around them.

It took an obscene amount of strenth and determination to get him buckled in that car seat. The shrill screaming that prompted Boo to say over and over, "It hurts my ears!", the smacks at my hands and kicks to my arm, we left that parking lot. Gabe finally succumbed to defeat and the shrill screaming stopped about a block away. What am I going to do tomorrow????