Realizations for today

Some realizations that I made today-

1. After watching Gabe's 1st Speech Therapy session from 6 months ago, I realized that through the entire half hour his therapist worked with him he had not said a single word. Not because he chose not too, but because he couldn't. In fact, he had no means to communicate, no signs, no imitations, not even with prompting. I didn't even know my child was completely non-verbal 6 months ago.

2. I read about 30 blogs on Autism daily, some are of children in their teens with Autism, some high functioning, some not. Those blogs leave me wondering, how cute will some of the things Gabe does now like sucking his fingers and screaming in a high pitch be when he's 16+ years old?

3. What happens when the therapy fails?

4. If stimming and sucking on things is a means for my son to cope in our world, who the hell am I to take that away?

5. Is this a race I think we can win? I sometimes think with enough therapy and intervention, he could be mainstreamed, maybe even without an aide. I have days I truly believe that. I forget that Autism will still be at the finish line...waiting. Deep down, I secretly want to believe Gabe will be cured and the unknowing will be over.

6. Am I just teaching correct responses? Does it make any sense to Gabe? Why would he want to put the Fisher Price person in the bed, when it is so much more interesting to put them in and out of the door?

7. Am I trying to change someone I love into something their not? I want to believe that to function in society, you need certain tools. Tools that Gabe is lacking. How do you send your child to the wolves after years of telling him everything he thinks is right is all wrong? That in order to function he has to not be himself. What a lonely and confusing journey that would be.

8. I honestly believe that I have been on a quest to "cure" Gabe the last 6 months. Although genuine and sincere, I have to admit to myself, today, that Gabe will not be cured. He will not be like the boy next door. I saw the difference in that little boys eyes today when he looked at me. He saw me. I don't think Gabe has ever looked at me that way. I think a part of me died today outside in the snow.