I cursed myself

Alright...I take it back. I still mean it, BUT I will only think it than write it. Now can we all just go back to our "normal" lives??? In my last blog I stated that I am thankful for my "fantastically unpredictable boy". I've change my mind. I really have about the unpredictable part. What was I thinking? Actually I do know now...

This is what I was thinking (He's doing awesome through ABA. He's not that different than other 2 1/2 year olds).....But this is what I know now. Since Gabe's diagnosis last March, our family has been living in the "Gabe" world. Everything revolves around him. It gets old after awhile for everyone and the "he needs us" quickly changes to "what about me?"Boo wants to go to a friends house to play, well, I have to bring Gabe. Sometimes I drop her off, but it has to be around "his schedule". If he does come....Is their house safe? Will they leave out snacks? Will he let her play with her friends? Can he unlock their front door? Will he have fun? I had stressed myself out so much about it, that I have left the NT world completely. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I called some of the moms who I used to hang out with a lot to make playdates. They had their kids signed up in activities at the library, swimming lessons, other playdates etc. Everything I used to do. I have been so wrapped up with the training at Gabe's school in ABA that I missed all those opportunities. And after today, I don't think I could do it anyway.

The first time I almost cried today......I was at the library getting ready to check out our stuff and get the kids' coats on, when a group of children Gabe's age start coming in with their mom's to go to their "storytime" at the library. I looked around and all the children were quietly taking off their coats, reading a book with mom or doing a puzzle. It looked like a Norman Rockwell painting....except for Gabe. Gabe had left the children's area and was B-lining to the front door. I caught up to him and he does the limp noodle. I start to lift him up and the screaming starts. I'm now dragging his body back to were his coat is, in the middle of "the painting", and he has his shirt almost up and over his head. He gets very slippery when he does the limp noodle. Finally...coats on....Off we go...Now where did I leave my dignity?????? The librarians at our library do not like to be librarians and snarl at you when you check out books. I took a survey of my friends and it is not just me. I can feel her growl at me while she sloooooowly checks out our books. She's also watching Gabe stand at the handicapped button to the door, continuously pushing it, watching the door open and close.......open and close. Whew....Brrrrrr...it was getting cold in there. Sad to say this, but I wanted the evil woman to feel my hell. I thought she was going to hit me with a book when Gabe just stood there, button pushed, door wide opened. What did I care, she would have her life back when I left.

Second time I almost cried.......Target. After the library incident, I just couldn't go home. It was not even noon yet and much of the day was still left. I thought I would go get the new Fisher Price Zoo that has the alphabet and an animal for each letter http://www.fisher-price.com/us/littlepeople/products/default.asp?section=village&id=33051. That would surely make the afternoon much more fun! Not there, no zoo. Light Bright? Nope. New playdough stuff? Not much. Yikes. Now I was desperate. Off to the craft isle. Got that...Got that..No good...."Oh, Hi!...." I bump into a great mom that I knew from a mom's group that I used to really be part off. She also has a younger sister that grew up with Aspergers. Last time I saw her, we met at a water spray park and Gabe had tripped and hit his face on a bench. It was bloody and horrifying. That's another moment in my life that I wanted to cry, because I wanted to hold Gabe, but at the time, when he was hurt, that only made it worse. That's a whole other blog.....So, her cutie, who is younger, but somehow actually bigger than Gabe (Gabe is big for his age) is sitting as wonderfully as can be in his shopping cart. What is Gabe doing? Oh, he is trying to scale down out of the cart with wet fruit snacks stuck to his pants. They're wet, because he wouldn't eat them, just liked sucking on them.
"How is Gabe doing?" she asks.
I try to put Gabe back in the cart and the screaming and the stiffness in his legs begin. He will not sit down and his record for staying by me today has been terrible.
I say."Great! His school has really helped him."
I wanted to say..."Shitty! This sucks! Why ? Oh why God is he doing this to me?"
She senses my stress and says "she'll let me go and have a great Christmas!"
"You too.."
Goodbye NT world.