Fade Back

Around and around we went in the gym of Gabe's old school.
Skipping around in a circle, smiling at Gabe and cheering "Yeah!"
"This is so much fun!" Are you having fun too?" Gabe smiles back at me.
The music changes and we all start galloping.
I swear I hear the song "Just the two of us" begin, playing faintly in the background. This IS so much fun! Gabe and I. What a pair.
That's when I got the cue.
"Fade back."
"Let's see how he does on his own," his therapist says gently.
Already?
So soon?
Are you sure?
I step back, regain my breath. The older they get, the harder it is to keep up.
Looking over in his direction, I see that they are all now tiptoeing, pausing to put their fingers up to their mouth, "Shhhhh." Gabe giggles. This is his favorite part of the song.
And there he is...on his own.
Without me.
What happened?
Where did all the time go?
I'm not ready.
I really am not.
I know I should be.
I know I have to do this.
But he was 2 years old just yesterday!

Trust is a huge issue with me. Who will watch and make sure he is getting all that he needs if I am not there to guide, nurture and cheer? Does that statement sound arrogant? The assumption that only I could provide exactly what my son needs. I know in my mind that it is false, but my heart sways me a whole other direction most of the time.
I sadly and painfully let go of Boo this year when she started Kindergarten. Leaving her at preschool out of my sight was traumatic enough for me, so I was at least prepared somewhat mentally for the transition this year. Her severe allergy to peanuts just compounded my anxiety. I have days when I wonder if she will be coming home that day or will this be the last time I say goodbye? Sounds overly dramatic, but having an allergy that causes anaphylactic shock, puts the possibility of death at your doorstep everyday. You hope that the adults around her notice the warning signs, because those same signs can mask themselves to appear less threatening like the flu, and time determines the difference between life and death. She is still too young to give herself the shot. I do not know if she would anyway. Boo is petrified of her Epi Pen.It hurts. Boo and shots do not mix.
Either way, I know I would still be as neurotic and anxiety ridden with or without allergies or a diagnosis. That's just who I am. I have been "working on it" my whole life.

So, I stood back once again and watched Gabe. I have been doing that a lot lately. Sometimes restraining my hands by placing them in my pockets or under my legs when I sit. I curl my lips in, so as not to say anything when Gabe is asked a question by someone he doesn't know. I repeat in my head generalize, generalize. If I am there to always repeat the question he will never answer for anyone else. That is the hardest habit to break for me. It's so much easier if I create the first footing to the bridge of communication for him, so that's what I tell myself, eventhough I know it is not true.

Fade back.
I thought this is what you did during their teenage years, but then isn't that really when they need you most? When transition is no longer referring to letting go of blankets and pacifiers, but about serious life choices that could forever change the course of your child's life. Is fading back a road that other parents are already on? Our path seems so underdeveloped in some areas, with potholes and gravel, while other parts are as smooth as a new subdivisions entrance. I'm never sure whether I will need the SUV on a given day or will our compact get us to where we need to go safely without adversely affecting our alignment.

We received another birthday invitation today. Our neighbor's little boy is turning 4 years old. I had a hard time swallowing when I saw the number 4 right above Scooby Doo's grin. Four? Already? Gabe is 6 months younger than him. Gabe will be four soon. He'll also be 25 someday, but the number four means so many more things to me right now. Milestones that bring worry. The largest being, sending Gabe to school, very possibly a public one. The most terrifying test of all for me. The time where I will really be fading back. Where mommy's do not hold their child's hand throughout the day, protect from bullies and provide clear understanding of the wants and needs for their child.

I am, in effect, Gabe's public relations agent.
It's time for me to move out of the way.
I'm hogging the red carpet.
It's time for me to fade back.

Finally, Some Winter Fun

This is Gabe outside! In snowpants! Wearing gloves! And a Hat! And Boots! Can not forget THE BOOTS! But, only after we told him he could not watch TV later that afternoon if he did not get bundled up and go sledding. See the smile after a few times down the hill on his sled?














"Weeeeeeee! I want swed! (sled)!" -Gabe
We invited our neighbors over to sled the next day. One of their boys is Gabe's age. Gabe is so much bigger than him. I'm beginning to wonder how tall Gabe will end up being.
















The ice under the snow made it really fast! Boo liked it when I put a spin on her sled.



















SD and I had to literally catch the kids at the bottom of our hill or they would go into our woods.
Boo was really sad when our nature walk in our woods led to ice and water and we had to turn back. She was so excited to use her binoculars to spot animals and look for tracks. We have seen deer back in the trees and occasionally in our yard. It was too hard to find a good footing. Gabe kept pulling me along saying, "Come on mommy!" I was afraid we would break through the ice and fall in.

Hope you have had some good snow too!
Stay tuned for our winter 2007 snowperson.

To Coriander

Lay down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end
Sleep now
And dream of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore
Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping
What can you see On the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises
The ships have come to carry you home
And all will turn To silver glass
A light on the water
All Souls pass
Hope fades Into the world of night
Through shadows falling
Out of memory and time
Don't say We have come now to the end
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again
And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping
And all will turn To silver glass
A light on the water
Grey ships pass Into the West
-Annie Lennox (from the song Into The West)

Goodbye, my sweet buddy. Goodbye.

The New Drug On The Street

Here at our house we are dealing with Noggin Crack. We have begun a very painful detox. Drastic measures had to be taken, but we are all pulling through it together. Some of us more than others. Oobi, Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! and "the all powerful" The Wonder Pets will now be viewed much less frequently. We were all caught off guard by Noggin's great programming. All of it wonderfully entertaining and new, so much so, that the toys stayed neglected, songs unsung, games unchallenged and pictures uncolored.

Noggin has affected Gabe the most. In the last week, he has begun to continuously sing the same songs, along with some of the verbage leading up to and after the occurance of the song within the episode. Which, as I have posted in the past, has lead to growth in his language, but recently the scripting has turned to perseverating with dialogue between characters being repeated over and over with dancing exactly like the characters in the opening credits. Charlie and Lola has been scripted and reenacted down to the slightest movement and giggle (There is Disney Smack). Gabe likes to imitate Lola the most.

As some of you know, Noggin starts at 6am and ends at 6pm. We also have Tivo and Gabe is aware of all our technological devices and their capabilities. I would say that one average Gabe watched about 1 1/2 hours in the morning (he gets up around 6:30 and leaves with me to drop off Boo at school) during that time we are showering, packing, dressing, eating, etc. He watched about an hour in the afternoon for quiet time and then an hour when Boo came home from school before dinner. That's about 3 1/2 hours! No wonder he was so strung out. What's funny is we were so busy going here and there, ABA everyday, preschool, gymnastics, playdates. It was the short hours we spent stopping off at home, before heading out again, that Noggin became a great way (crutch or my crack) of pausing to grab lunch, make phone calls or throw in a load of laundry. We all depended on it in one way or another.

So, today I began the detoxing processing. At preschool, Gabe turned to me when I asked what he'd like to do next, play with puzzles or cars, and responded with, "Watch T.V.?"
The Crack has gotta go!
When we got home, I turned off the power strip to the T.V. in the playroom and the Tivo in the Familyroom. I grabbed my Caribbean Jazz CD and started making us lunch. I could hear Gabe in the other room pushing the button to the T.V.
"Not working!" click, click of the button.
"Not working Mommy!"
I just ignored him and waited. If I even mentioned the T.V. and why it wasn't working, I do not think I would have given him the opportunity to figure out for himself what to do when the TV isn't on.
My God!
What do you do without the TV?
I know. Does he?
He came into the kitchen and immediately smiled upon hearing the music. I started dancing and he smiled some more.
Over lunch, we laughed and rubbed our tummies, celebrating the new chips, Ruffles.
"I want a BIG chip!" Gabe says with excitement.
We cleared the table and went into the playroom to *gasp* play and do Gabe's daily ABA programs.
It was so much fun! After almost two hours, I leave Gabe to play ,while I got a drink. Upon coming back I hear, "Watch TV?"
If Gabe does good during his ABA Programs he is allowed to watch a Noggin program.
So, I set the timer. I told Gabe when it goes off after The Backyardigans, that is the end of TV until Boo comes home. Then, she gets to choose one program to watch after that, TV is turned off until tomorrow. He handled it pretty well. There was only one loud, "No!" with a quick whimper. SD asked if he wanted to play Troll (A game he invented) and then all was well.

Now, there is a part of me that wants to go cold turkey. No TV. Only good can come from no TV. I've never heard of anyone suffering from not having viewed TV. But, we are just going to work on limiting it to 2 hours a day. One hour in the morning, and two half hours in the afternoon.
Wish us luck.

Just Say No To Noggin Crack

Things That Come In Three

My husband is a strong believer of famous people always dying in groups of three. What's funny is that he seems to always be right on mark. I'd call it coincidence if it had happened only a few times, but as circumstance would have it, it comes to fruition every time. Recently it was James Brown, Gerald Ford and finally Saddam Hussein. Our weekend also came with a strange equation that amounted to three.

#1
The first being the strange, but very irritating phone call SD (Super Daddy) picked up at work on Friday. It was by pure chance that he even answered his phone, because calls rarely ever go directly to him, because he is a teacher. It was a parent claiming that she heard from this person's neighbor's son's cousin who went to the party store and over heard from the person buying smack on the corner....Ok, that's an exaggeration, but the way I heard it from SD, she lost her credibility the minute she opened her mouth. Anyway, to make a long,with nails on the chalkboard, story short, she accused SD of pocketing funds from a trip that he puts together for his students. If you know SD, you're already saying," What the @!!!% " This parent insisted that she had seen his W4 and stated the company from which this bonus was given. The name she gave as being on the W4 was not even SD's name and he has never worked for the company that supposedly gave him a bonus. SD was not in a good mood when he came home from work.

Happy Friday!

#2
So, I thought, we could take the kids to play at McDonald's, have dinner and try to unwind. I really dislike fastfood more than you know, but 3 out of four would be getting something out of this trip, I didn't mind the sacrifice. Gabe got wheat free French fries from BK down the street and we were good to go.

It wasn't too crowded and the ages for good play friends had potential. Boo was short on the girl friends, but managed to find a boy to act silly with. Gabe hooked up with a boy who may have been about four who had a sister (twins?) There was giggling, laughter, running and big smiles. I think a big fear for most parents is whether their children will be liked. I worry for both of my children. Not, because they aren't likeable, because I adore and think both are fantastically wonderful, caring, hilarious, and spectacular in their own right. But, you wonder how the rest of the world will perceive them without wearing "mommy glasses".
After coming down the slide, Gabe runs up behind the boy he was playing with and next thing I see is Gabe being clobbered by that same child. Then, Gabe starts pushing back. I immediately yell, "Hey!" "No hitting!" They both stop and we call Gabe over. The other boy's mom never looks up from her book. She was right across from them.
I am furious, but assume it has ended and cross my fingers that Gabe does not go near that boy again. I watch nervously as Gabe climbs back into the play structure. "Rocky Balboa", the offending boy, comes running up behind him, passes him while climbing up and gives a good kick at Gabe's face, intentionally.

Before I know it, my chair squeaks over the greasy floor, I'm up and running, blood pumping through my veins. I could feel my face puff up like the Incredible Hulk. "You stop hitting my son!" I say loud enough for the drive through to hear, pointing my finger at the little monster.
Mom comes over lifts up the boy and I state again, in case she missed it while reading her book, "Your son keeps hitting my son!"
"Well, that's because he was pushing him," she retorts back.
I respond with a mix of anger and sarcasm,"He... Was.... Hitting... Him!" "He's only three!" I feel like I should be wearing a tank top, braless, on a Jerry Springer Stage.
Gabe comes down and starts eating his fries. He looks aware of what happened, but not as aware as my Boo was. We hardly ever yell in our house, so when SD and I raise our voice, it is a big deal. I am amazed at my reaction. Amazed that I have this instinct to squash anyone or anything that may harm my children. I am like a wild momma bear protecting her cubs. Kinda freaky in a way. I think I need to corral my emotions a little and bring it down a notch from Springer to Oprah.
10 minutes later and I wishing that our run of bad luck would end sometime soon, mom comes over with "the boy" and has him apologize. I also have Gabe apologize for pushing. I tell her I appreciate what she did and she smiles and says she is only the babysitter.

Happy Friday .....Again!

#3
Gabe only had a little compliance issue with his tutor Saturday morning, which was totally expected since this is only her second time over our house. I thought, "Whew!" If this is the third thing, well, we made it! This was where I did my happy dance and began to plan the wonderful possibilities for the rest of our weekend. We could turn it around. We still had time. I looked over to where my cat came walking through the kitchen and saw that he was limping. He is an indoor cat, 14 years old, in very good health. So, I thought, maybe he fell off of something. I immediately call our vet, get the last appointment. I wondered how they would put a cast on my little buddy. Could it be arthritis? Osteoporosis? A disjointed hip?
At the vets, they get him on the examination table right away. They observe which leg it was and begin to feel the bones in that leg. My face begins to get hot, the room spins and I feel like laying face first on the cold linoleum before I have the chance to pass out. Instead, I wash out his carrier just to keep from not looking at what they are doing. They decide they need an X-ray.

The X-ray reveals nothing about his leg. All his bones look fine. In fact, perfectly fine. Huh. Then she pulls up the next slide that shows the rest of his body from the side. She says that organs appear white and the lungs black because they are filled with air. Everything looks right to me. What should I be seeing, that I don't?
The lungs had confetti like specks all over them. I thought it was veins, they were tumors. Maybe 20 or more all over his lungs. My beloved pet was dying of Cancer and it had probably spread to his leg.

Happy Saturday.

What was even more....I can't even find the word....was that as I walked out of the examining room with my buddy in his carrier, the receptionist and another worker there were talking about Aspergers and Autism from the "I know someone, who knows someone" tense.
I wanted to shout, "Can you give me one God Damn thing to deal with at a time God? Can ya? Can ya? huh?"
The next day I wondered if God was trying to show me something. Was my cat a metaphor for Gabe's inability to tell me when something was wrong, that he maybe really ill and I would never know? I had dreamed this past week, before all this happened, that Boo died from a tumor. I woke up at 2am that morning afraid to go back to sleep. What did it mean? SD and I joke all the time about me thinking I have a tumor. Oh, I have a bad headache, must be a tumor. But, as I get older, I'm making more connections in life. I see and understand more of life's lessons. I just wish I could pick and choose the lessons I want to learn.

Letters brought to you by the Bathroom

While washing his hands this morning, Gabe starts spelling......D...a...n...? then it gets softer and softer. The noise of the water only enables me to try to unsuccessfully read his lips for some clue. But no luck.

"Dinosaurs?" I guess.
"No," Gabe smiles.
Then he it repeats again...."D...A...N....I......M....A...L...S", giggle, giggle.

Ohhhhhh. OH!
Did he just spell a word????

I know it is probably recited from a commercial, but then he maybe beginning to piece together how words and letters work together. He has known his letters and sounds for over six months now.Am I making more out of this than I should? Who cares, I say! What a great way to begin my day!

I love commercials!

Wishes

There are moments that moms and dads everywhere look forward to the minute their child is born. Most of these lists read the same, first step, first words, first day at school, all milestones of growing from a baby to a young boy or girl. For us we have been fortunate to be able to celebrate many of these milestones with both of our children. Gabe has surprised us on countless occasions with just how far he really has come. His language is more spontaneous, he is less impulsive, fantastic eye contact, beautiful smile, and is truly an engaging little boy. But, beyond that, there are small wishes that I still have. One of them came true tonight.

I have spoken about Gabe having been non-verbal/ non communicate at the age of 2. I remember, soon after putting the pieces together that Gabe was Autistic, crying on my neighbors front lawn, trying to explain what Autism was and believing that my son, who I love so deeply, would probably never call me mommy. My neighbor hugged me, probably having no idea what to say, and I feeling like my world had just caved in. That became my first wish. My small wish was for him to call me mommy just once. And it happened a few weeks after starting the intensive ABA program over a year and a half ago. While sitting at the kitchen table one evening, Gabe walked up to me, looked at me and said, "Mommy", then walked away. It happened so quick that I sat there stunned, mesmerized by the print on his shirt as he walked away from me. I then turned and stared at SD (Super Daddy) and said "Did you hear that?" "Did he just call me mommy?" I felt my eyes get blurry and wet, I began to cry. My first wish had come true.

My second wish happened tonight. SD typically puts the kids up to bed, wrestles with them,then reads them each a few stories and tucks them in so I can get laundry done, lunches made and pick up the house a little so everyone can mess it up again tomorrow. Before heading up to bed, each gets their individual medicine (mostly for allergies) then PJ's are put on and kisses and hugs are given to me before WWF begins in Gabe's room with loud giggles and thumps on the bed. Boo gives me numerous, sweet kisses and a great big hug. Tonight, I hear Gabe running up the stairs, so excited to wrestle with SD, forgetting my kisses.
" Gabe, come give me a kiss!"
Laughing, I hear his little foot steps come down the stairs, he rounds the corner with a big smile on his face.
"SMMMMMMAAAH!" He smacks his lips on mine.
"I love you Gabe," I squeeze a big squeeze not wanting to let go, but I eventually do.
"I love you!" he says to me with a big smile in return and runs away.

I have waited 3 1/2 years to hear those three words.

I love you.

My second wish has come true.

Sometimes the smallest wishes, the ones that get tucked behind the speech hopes, stepped on by the allergy fears and forgotten the minute public school is mentioned, are the wishes that are the best of all.

My Motto for the Year

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

-Marianne Williamson

That is my motto for this new year. That is my motto for doing ABA Therapy,celebrating Gabe's sense of humor, for returning to the Stay at Home Mom Club, and my motto for instilling a pride and a sense of moral strength to my daughter and son.

So, this is what is on Gabe's plate for 2007...

-Two days a week at a speech based preschool (6hrs weekly)
-1 class a week of Gymnastics (1 hr weekly)
-1 class a week attending a regular preschool with peers (3 hrs weekly)
-3 opportunities (outside of preschool and classes) for playdates (3+ hrs weekly)
-10 hours a week of ABA (7 hours me, 2 hrs SD, 2 hrs. ABA Therapist)
-2 meetings a month with ABA Therapist /Psychologist)(2 hrs + monthly)
-2 opportunities for playdates/crafttime per month at ABA school (4hrs+ monthly)
- 2 speech sessions a week with Dr. Karen (1 hr weekly)
- Fine motor/ craft projects (1 1/2 hrs weekly)
- Storytime at the Library (possibly) 1x per week 1/2 hour

His schedule is packed! We are going to have so much fun :o) Our major focus will be to work on enabling Gabe to strengthen his skills with socializing with others. He is doing great with his ABA programs that focus primarily with intraverbals, fluency and beginning math, like counting. He has such a strong foundation for having friends. He wants friends and he is the type of person that will always enjoy having close friends. So, together we will build friendships, him and I. We're getting on the friendship wagon (some of us again) and Gabe and I will learn to go beyond what we know, what is comfortable, to the uncomfortable
and we will bloom.

A New Year

So, here is an odd tidbit about me that I bet you will say to yourself....."Ok...and what do I do with that?"

I am not a fan of odd numbers. 2006...good. 2007.....doesn't look or sound good to me.
Do I take it really serious? Do I meticulously plan outings from the home to occur only on even days? No, not really, but if I had to choose a day for an important date, I would definitely go even. As life sometimes just happens, many important dates in my life happened, oddly enough (no pun intended) on odd days, months or years. Both my children were born in odd months, on odd days in odd years, I think God was poking fun at my neuroses. I probably met SD on an odd day, month or year...Huh. Ya know what? It was an odd year that we met come to think of it! So maybe it should be the other way around? Who knows.

If you have a quick moment on New Years Eve, know that I am wishing you all well in the New Year and that secretly I am also wishing it was an even year. Just because.

CHEERS!!!!!

The Fundamental Question

"So, are you still teaching?" he looked at me, drink in hand.
"No, no I have two children. I taught for about seven years until my daughter was born." I proudly state.
"So, what do you do now?" he asks.
What do I do now? Huh. Did he miss the two children part?
And then it hit me. The little wheel turning in my head that says, "Yeah...what exactly are you doing now?"

My thoughts raced to find the answer. I let myself search through the past five years looking for something, anything that would be remarkable to say that I have done. What have I done? What have I done that would translate to the working world as something formidable, valuable to the whole of mankind or at least those that work nine to five. All I could think of was trains (I now know a lot about trains), School House Rock (I can sing almost every song) and Nemo underwear . Is that all I got? Thomas, kid songs and underwear?
So, nothing.....nothing comes out. And we stand staring at one another.

He's an aide to a US attorney, lives in a beautiful place on top of a mountain with his new wife, also an attorney, no kids. He and I are on totally separate paths, that is really apparent. I know that. But why, after five years, I still stumble when asks what I do as a mom?

He's a great guy, very funny, but it really struck a cord this time. Why haven't I gotten it together yet?

When SD and I went to bed that night, the answer finally came to me. What do I do as a mom? I love my children. I love them until I feel like I couldn't love them any more at the end of the day. That's what I do. Plain and simple.
Why is it hard to find that answer sometimes?
I wonder.

Making Friends

This past Tuesday was our last day at Gabe's ABA school. (I'll post more on that later) So, it has left a few days a little off schedule for Gabe and I. We haven't hung out at home for the past year and a half due to his school being about an hour away. I spent most days, while Gabe attended school, walking at a mall or floundering between Target and Kohls. You would think I would've done something spectacular with my time, like write a book or develop a plan to cure world hunger, but I didn't. Most of the time I enjoyed just being by myself . The stress of how our lives changed so rapidly after Gabe's diagnosis of ASD and what it entailed took quite a bit of time for me to get used to. I am stronger now and have a great exercise schedule that is keeping me healthier than I ever been in my life.

It felt really great not to do the long drive yesterday. The crazy, old people that seemed to hover around the area hospital where Gabe's school was, will not be missed. They drove without a purpose and seemed to believe that as long as they didn't hit your car really hard it was OK. It made the 20 minutes from the expressway to our destination very scary. I can not even count on one hand how many accidents I saw that happened about a mile from school. I will, however, miss the smiles from his therapists, secretary, and people from the program before. It's hard being a stay at home mom, it's the isolation that can get to you. When you know the cashiers by name at the supermarket, you have officially been inducted to the Stay At Home Mom's Club. I have my card, wanna see it?

So, with all that comes extra time. I already have a comprehensive plan, with goals, for Gabe that will begin after the holidays.But, I have two days of unplanned time. YIKES! I have managed to make it fun for me and for Gabe with these goals in mind....

1. I need to exercise 45 minutes both days in order to prepare for the two pieces of pie that SD's mom's will serve me on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day. Don't get me wrong, they are delicious, but two? I feel obligated. I say "small pieces, please" and I swear they are cut to wedges that look like the Titanic breaking through the ice dams!

2. Gabe is to have limited TV, computer and video game time. One video after lunch, video game for 1/2 hour when Boo comes home and 1/2 before lunch of computer time.

3. I will spend at least 2 hours of the day fully engaged with Gabe doing games, playing with toys or anything that he chooses to do. They may be broken up in 1/2 hour increments.

4. Gabe will spend some time playing with a toy independently that I have begun with him and then let him explore on his own. The Fisher Price toys and the train work well for this.

5. Both days Gabe will be given at least 45 minutes of social play with peers working on the following goals...

*Introducing himself to playdate
*Asking what their name is
*Asking if they want to play one of the following things....Chase, acting like a cat, playing dinosaurs, follow the leader (He may also just ask to play what they already maybe playing)
*Saying goodbye when they have to leave.

So, that leaves me with what happened today when we practiced our new skills.

After walking for 45 minutes (It is so much harder when you have to push a 4o lb. child in a crickety stroller), I was glistening for sure! Gabe got to chose what he wanted to do for fun, see the fish at the huge hunting store, look at the crocodile and fish at The Rain Forest Cafe or play in the play area in the middle of the food court. He happily chose the play area. Thank goodness, because it makes playing with someone easier. That is where we met Hailey. Hailey was a cute, outgoing and energetic little girl, Gabe's age, that was looking for a friend to play with. "Really?" I thought, with a smile.
"I just want to have a friend to play with." Hailey frowned.
"Hey,I have someone who would be a lot of fun to play with!" I turned to Gabe.
"This is Gabe and he loves to play." I looked at Gabe and I believe I saw a twinkle in his eye!

I prompted him to ask what her name was and it just went from there. I provided some guidance, sometimes for both of them on what and how to play together. They pretended to be cats as I fed them "treats", they chased each other, laughing and giggling. Gabe was so happy. I felt a glimmer of hope. Hope that we will be OK no matter what. And that's when I saw it....Gabe held her hand. He so very gently slide his little hand around hers and smiled. I got a lump in my throat, my little boy is growing up and he will be OK. Fantastic.

Hailey quickly pulled her hand away, not because she didn't appreciate the jester, but because she turned towards Gabe, said something, and they started running again...together.

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays!

I was a little flabbergasted for a minute there when blogger actually posted my picture. Kinda caught me off guard! (lol)

Can you believe we were all put on antibiotics with sinus infections the next day after this picture was taken? We felt a little under the weather, but wanted to get the picture done. We got one done and immediatley left. I think Gabe looks the best out of all of us! Although Boo is a very close second. She actaully broke out in a rash on her face the day before. We thought it was allergies and gave her benadryl (She gets Contact Dermatitis a lot), but it was a reaction to her sinus infection. She's such a trooper.

I am SO excited about Christmas this year. I just want to sing Rudolf from the roof tops. Having kids is the best!

Boo's Revisionist Take on History

The other day Boo came home from school and declared that she was indeed in a school play.
Excited about our "up and coming" actress' part we asked, "What is the play about?"

She proudly stated, "Baby Jesus and the Ranger."

This is what immediatly came to my mind.


Baby Jesus





















And the Ranger....






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Number 1 and Number 2

Okay, I have officially declared potty training as the most difficult parental job ever. What is it about this particular skill that makes it so much harder than other skills I would deam more challenging, like, let's say, nursing? Although nursing is supposed to be mostly "instictive" for babies(It was for Boo, but not Gabe) some of us moms know that it can be anything but easy, natural and fulfilling. What about jumping off the couch from the back arch, landing 3 feet away on an ottoman? That takes talent, timing and muscle control.Oh well.
This by no means is an invitation to opening the doors to having a forum discussion on the dynamics of toileting, really I get it.I do not want to spend any more time talking about how that area of the body works. But, why oh why, does it have to be like this?

Gabe is doing better than we thought, but not as great as we wished. Is he right on par with his peers? Some of the remaining ones he is, mostly the ones who are just too stubborn to be potty trained. Gabe enjoys the whole pottying experience and the amazing things his "mister" can do, but has a hard time distiguishing between what is peeing and what exactly pooping is, whatever I say, such details can be sorted out later. So when I mention the partial success I am having with Gabe, it makes my friends with an NT child close in age quickly start to potty train thier kids the following weekend.

Gabe is where Boo was at a year and a half of age. She was fully potty trained at 2 1/2 years old, with minimal guidance.

"This is a potty Boo. You poop and pee in it. Yeah!" The end.

However, she also did not have the wonder that we refer to as "mister" doing marvelous things when she urinated, but I digress. Gabe is able to use the potty every 40-50 minutes with a good success rate. He is having problems when he is feeling a little tired, especially in the afternoon and bowel movements are being reserved for the more quite, private, VIP rooms in our house. So, he is having quite a few accidents later in the day. But, he tells me when it happens and we follow through with our potty training plan called Postive Practice, based, as you may have guessed it, all on behavior. Rewarding the behavior we want and not emotionally reacting to the behavior we don't , but instead turning around and practicing the behavior we want again. I am a true believer in Behavioral Therapy. It works for Gabe. It really works for anyone wanting to change an undesirable behavior to one that is desirable, like quiting smoking, wanting to exercise more, have a more positive attitude, can all be shaped through changing your behavior. Cool concept that actually works.

So, here I am, not quite an outcast on potty island. The missile fire from "mister", combined with the defacing of NEMO on his underware has made some days more challenging than others. But, we will get there togther.

Ah Ha!!!..Errrr...What was I saying?

I haven't posted in awhile, because I felt this overwhelming need to post only under a specific topic such as potty training, traveling with kids, or even a profound "Ah Ha!" moment shared with Gabe. But, life happened and the "Ah Ha" moments were celebrated and passed while mashed potatoes were being eaten and cooked carrots were being poked at, the lap top sitting ignored in another room.

Life just happened.

That's cool with me. But, then it's not. You see, I have a terrible memory, especially about the important moments. I am great about feeling the moment ( I will never foget how I felt when I first saw Boo and Gabe), but to remember the specifics get a little hazy over time. Here's an example, when Gabe was being diagnosed ASD, I was asked countless questions about Gabe and his developement that required specific dates.
Oh no.
I knew when he walked, how long he nursed for, but his first bite of food? Rolled over? First word spoken? Ahhh......hmmm......yikes, I could remember very little. I was lucky and for some reason ( Thank You God), I was incredibily meticulous about writing down everything about Gabe since his birth. Maybe it was the hormones.

Anyway....Wow..I really got off track. When I do not post, I feel like I am missing that great opportunity to hold on to at least a smidgen of wonderfulness that both children give me everyday that I would normally lose to maybe a grocery list or trying to remember what size shoe Gabe wears. (I'm rolling my eyes at myself). I still hold firm to the belief that all the sleep that I lost when both kids were really small made me a little senile and perhaps a little crazy.......

Now, where do I begin, what should I talk about? The fact that potty training has been happening for Gabe for the last two weeks? That he is playing with his peers exceptionally well? That shoes that have been peed on can only be washed so many times?
Oh!
What's that I hear?
The garage door is opening!
"Is that ice cream you're holding SD?"
YUMMY!
Okay. I gotta go.

A New Aspect Of Change

Gabe had a blast this weekend throwing pennies in a few fountains at the mall, courtsey of the grandparents.
"Water!" Gabe points.
"It's cold," he holds himself and pretends to shiver. "Brrrrr!"
"It's purple,"he looks down at the colored tile under the water. "Wow,"he whispers.

Boo liked to try to get her pennies directly in the center of the fountain. "That's cool!" she exclaimed with excitement.

Fountains and change was the highlight. How simple is that? Maybe I just need to throw more wishes into a fountain.


On Sunday, we all go to church with our bag of toys and a few suckers. Church, to me, is a lot to ask of young children, let alone adults, especially my denomination. This is what I remember as a child about church, my butt hurting from the pews, dead animals draped over women's shoulders, music lacking passion, and someone who talked forever...and forever...and forever. The church aspect about faith is not important to me, although I wish that there was more of a sense of community, but that's another story. What's important to me is that my children live there lives knowing that God is there to guide, love and cherish them always. So, I smile when Boo sings along and Gabe dances in my arms and that is all I expect from them at church.

Boo and Gabe's favorite part of church is the offering. All the children in the church walk down the aisle to a wooden well. Surrounding it, each one watches as the money clanks around until it's gone.

Grandpa gave Boo a one dollar coin. Her eyes widen as she looked at it, turned to me and said,"I don't have a quater like this mommy!"
Gabe had one quater and one nickel and off they went. Normally, I let Boo guide Gabe down and back, but this time she was mesmerized by the beauty of her coin. So, I followed a few steps behind.

Down the aisle we went, both a few steps ahead. I was in a sea of people that only came up to my waist. They all look so cute in pretty dresses, ties, khakis, button down shirts and an occasional pair of glittery ruby red shoes from Target. Boo reaches the fountain, poised to make the drop, when I turn to see Gabe, not at the offering well, but B-lining to the baptism fountain. Arm raised, fist clenched full of change, he pulls back ready to throw his money into the "fountain". My eyes widen, jaw drops. My God! Is he going to throw his change in the baptism fountain? I run, in what feels like slow motion, trying, desperately to reach him. I am caught in the sea of little people! "Excuse me. Yes." smile,"Pardon me." Please God, I pray, not the baptism fountain!

Then the gasps from the first few rows of pews.

Thoughts like...How do you get change out of a sacred fountain? Would I just casually reach in and fish them out? It looks pretty deep, would I wade in? What do they do with contaminated baptism water? Would we be the reason for the implementation of a sign stating "Change does NOT belong in the baptism fountain. It is not a wishing well!"

I reach him mid wind up, quickly releasing the change from his grip. I swear I heard a sigh of relief from the crowd. I guide Gabe to the well, drop the money in and try to slink away with the well dressed little people.

Happy Halloween

Gabe's wearing his Dinosaur...err...Crocodile costume!!!! Yahoooo! Candy is Gabe's ultimate reinforcer, besides Fritos.
Beautiful Boo is representing the magnificant and magical unicorn.

Shake it off

I feel like a wet dog, stopping to shake off all the water from my coat. The anxiety about the future was keeping me from moving forward, my coat felt very heavy. Now, I just want to go and play. Maybe a good game of fetch, followed by a nice rest on a pillowy bed. Ahhhhhh. This dog's done with the days of mated, smelly coats. I can't promise I won't get wet again, but today is a new day and who knows what the future may bring? Gabe has proven to us again and again that the unbelievable is believable and a cookie is not just a cookie.

Check out THE CHUB FILES to see just how far Gabe has come.

Not Just "Nope" Anymore

Today I was scared.
I haven't been this scared since Gabe's initial diagnosis. We have only until December 20th to get his noncompliance under control. After that it just me, no qualified therapists to manage the behavior at school. Twice monthly meetings with a Behavioral therapist and me the rest of the time.

For two hours this morning ,Gabe refused everything while at his ABA school. This is the same school with the same therapists that he has loved for over a year now. He would not comply with anything or anyone. There was screaming, crying, thrashing, restraining.....
As I watched threw a curtain, Gabe was removed to a private room to de-escalate, all I could think was, What can I sell that would enable him to come back to this program in Janurary? What am I willing to do to see that he is able to receive the therapy he needs to be able to work through his noncompliance successfully? My first thought was figure out a way to empty all of our retirement accounts, at a penalty of 34%. It still would not be enough. Then I looked down...and I noticed my wedding ring. What use is it to have something so beautiful resting on my finger while my son needs help so desperately? I started calculating what a pawn shop would give me. I tried to think of anythng else that we have of value....jewelery, antiques, bonds? My most valued possessons are my family. There isn't anything else.

So, that left SD's parents, whom we swore we would never ask for money again. Swallowing our pride, we accepted their money for this last semester and made that promise. I wondered if they would notice I no longer had a wedding ring? That all our accounts were empty? That Christmas this year would amount to presents to them, but none for us? I started to get resentful and angry, not just at them but the school system that would see this as a perfect opportunity to medicate Gabe's undesirable behavior, the insurance company happily shaking hands with Big Pharma while another "client" is sent their way and at myself for not being able to give my son everything he deserves. I was so beside myself that I could'nt cry. Our path had changed so rapidly before my eyes that I felt like a stunned deer standing like an ass in the middle of the road while head lights were coming closer and closer mumbling, "They're soooo perty!"

I'm scared, I'm lost and to top it all off, broke, not a dime in my pocket to make the changes that need to be made.

The Files Have Been Opened

It is still a work in progress, but the following is a link to my other blog dedicated totally to Gabe.





The Chub Files

Let me know what you think. Thanks...